I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread