[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭