I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
You Might Also Like
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.