(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Miscakes
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
best first i’ve ever seen
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful