[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Canadian owl: Eh?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’m giving up ice.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.