Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.