Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Not today.. 😂
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My daily affirmation
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman