*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.