[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!