[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”