Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You Might Also Like
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD