When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues