Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
You Might Also Like
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
i’m still crying at this
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan