The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.