Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Me: Same
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?