*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
this makes me so uncomfortable
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.