figuring out my emotional availability:
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My biological clock is wheezing.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.