Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there