I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery