It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
dutch is not a serious language
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*