“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Everyone’s family
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye