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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The asteroid..
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
😬
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me