Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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Love this guy
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.