*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
You Might Also Like
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.