*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Finally, a door that understands me
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok