kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Love this one 😂🧟
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The smoothest fall of all time
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
broke down and did it
#Caturday
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!