As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
new year update: losing everything but weight
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”