Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
jesus christ confetti not now
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead