went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“A little help here, Danny?”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”