how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking