So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.