If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.