why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.