An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
accurate
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
May have had one breakfast too many
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?