Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.