Thursday Thought.
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.