The best backflip ever!馃挄馃馃
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I鈥檝e got a whole cake in here.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it鈥檚 time. I think I鈥檓 finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Divorce is never funny. Unless it鈥檚 happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.