The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”