My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion