Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..