Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit