[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!