If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line