You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
This hospital has everything
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok