*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
describing stardew valley
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.