Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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What’s a Messi?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.