this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
You Might Also Like
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The glockness monster
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.