just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Name this drama.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.