“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
sistine chapel
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
S M O L
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’ve had relationships like this