Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Somewhere in an alternate universe
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth